Fixing Turn Offs without Burn Offs: A Quick-Fix Guide to the Man-Boob Epidemic

Be Social, share with your friends

  • Google+
  • Twitter
  • Facebook

Tastefully crafted by Dr. Mr. ManCandy on  May 30th, 2012

Image Source: Mad Magazine

All the best things come in pairs. Cliché, I know. But in my book, clichés are the best thing since sliced bread. Actually, I take that back. Clichés are the best thing since God’s finest creation, the one and only (or two and only, I suppose) handfuls of bliss we call boobs. To say I’ve racked up more than a few racks would be an understatement, but I don’t like to brag – when you’ve got a name like Dr. Mr. ManCandy the bragging gets done for you. I doubt there’s ever existed a man who appreciates the exquisite curves of a fine bust like I do. Every time my associate Miss Beehaven discovers a new Boobzie girl, I’m the first on the scene for a thorough examination, so to speak. So you can trust my judgment when it comes to proclaiming lady lumps to be the finest things around – I am a doctor, after all.

But bosoms, just like every great joy in life, have their downfall. I’m not hating on implants here. A little bit of well-executed augmentation to your sweater puppies never hurt anyone, with one notable exception. You see, it pains me to have to admit that gender equality rights don’t apply to the realm of breasts – there’s nothing less sexy than boobs on a man. Well, perhaps boobs on a shirtless man wearing a thong (in public) and sporting a mullet. But that’s beside the point.

Don’t freak out on me here – I’m not about to go all Lance Armstrong on you and suggest you start hitting the gym four times a day. I’m a man of quick-fixes, short cuts, and shorter relationships – we’re talking the bare minimum necessary to get you cozied-up with a lady who rivals you in the pectoral region.

Becoming the boss of your man boobs is easier than it sounds. It’s all about choosing the right tool for the job. All too often I find myself cringing at pudgy fellows sporting V-necks and tight tees, both outfits certified as time-tested lady repellents on those of the bulky persuasion. Think about it – most ladies are insecure enough trying to out-flaunt their goods against the other well-endowed women in the bar, and the prospect of getting into a boob-off with you is less than appealing.

So what’s the solution? Simple evolution my friend – camouflage is your key to keeping those “chesticles” safely tucked out of sight. To start, think layers. Your standard button-down and a blazer that says “Time to Party” can do a stellar job holding down the fort, assuming people naturally compare your man bosom to a military outpost. And it doesn’t stop there – anything you can do to strap those doggies down will be a plus. Let’s just lay it down shall we? Spanx: it’s not just for women anymore. That’s right gents, you too can join the undergarment revolution.

With a little help from your friend compression you can achieve a nice clean line under your shirts by donning the manly version of the “shapewear” brand that Oprah dubbed as one of the wonders of the new world. What it is: A plain old cotton undershirt with super-powers – super sucking powers, that is. Depending on the type – yes, Spanx has many manly options to choose from -- their undershirts will nip and tuck those pesky inches into submission. And I’m here to tell ‘ya firsthand, these undershirts are downright comfortable too. That’s right  -- even Dr. Mr. ManCandy has been known to occasionally over-indulge in more than just lady-time now and again. And we all know there’s no shame in my game!

Now, if you’re the suave type, go on, double-up on your cammo options; add to your choice of Spanx undergarment, a snappy button-down shirt and a pair of thick and chic suspenders. Not only will you be the classiest bro in the club, but you’ll have your chest cleanly pressed and in place like fresh dry-cleaning. Don’t be shy about getting creative here – it’s hard to go wrong with anything that makes you look and feel like a million bucks. After all, confidence is contagious my friends.

Of course, for every stout fella out there there’s a woman who doesn’t mind a man with a few extra pounds on him. Heck, there are more than a few Boobzie girls who’ve said men with a few more inches around the waist are full-on sexy. And who am I to argue? But here’s the thing – even though sometimes the “wild and free” look might be appealing (perhaps in very dark settings), I guarantee you’ll start clocking in a lot more lady-minutes if you keep those bad boys in reserve. Speaking of lady-minutes, I’ve got a date with the newest Boobzie dime – I’ll see you at the club.

Tastefully crafted by Dr. Mr. ManCandy on  May 30th, 2012

Be Social, share with your friends

About Dr. Mr. ManCandy