For Real Men: The Manliest Drink

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Tastefully crafted by Dr. Mr. ManCandy on  May 15th, 2012

Indiana Jones, Bullwhip, Harrison Ford

Image Source: FanPop

Let me ask you something – when it comes to a man’s drink, do you, as a full-fledged, testosterone-sweating member of the male persuasion, know your stuff? Luckily for you I'm a seasoned expert. Go ahead, grab a stool and take a seat while Dr.Mr.ManCandy tosses a bit of education your way. Let’s start with what you’re sipping on there. Vodka and… what is that, Red Bull? Please – the last time I had one of those it was from a sippy-cup. Seriously man, where is your self-respect? You look like you could throw down some decent amateur game, but you’ll never have a fighting chance with a bombshell like one of our Boobzie girls unless you start drinking the real stuff. You see, a drink says a lot about a man. I know this better than anyone. That big guy down the bar there, pounding shots of Everclear? There’s some over-compensation if I saw some. And check out this shady looking fellow to our left – rum and coke. A cheap drink like that for a guy his age? Don’t let that big watch fool you; this guy’s retirement funds consist of a pantry full of cat-food.

Ah, I know what you’re thinking – where does my personal drink allegiance lie? First, let me introduce myself. Name: Dr.Mr.ManCandy, “Doc MC” for short. I’ve been cruising busty-lady hotspots like this since I made my first million. Anyway, Doc’s the name and ladies are the game. And at any bar the quickest way to a woman’s heart, aside from AMEX Platinum or a plastic surgery gift card, is the drink you’re holding. Trust me on this one – I’m a doctor.

Now, don’t get me wrong – I can pick up women easier than my favorite 90 lb dumbbells even while sober as monk. But think about it – the girls coming here know their alcohol, and they’re looking for a man with refined taste. You’ve gotta choose wisely when you’re face-to-face with the bartender. Cause ordering some sparkly concoction of peach champagne and butterflies – or, god forbid, letting the word “spritzer” or “pink” pass your lips – lets the whole bar know you’re more than happy to head home alone.

Here’s my advice: Pick yourself a drink that’ll do your dirty work for you, that is, pick a drink that makes you look like a man.

Lean in and listen close – what I’m about to reveal isn’t something I share with every sorry-looking youngster that stumbles through this club. This is a drink I invented myself, the result of long, dark hours of experimentation in lonely bars and many more spent with the baddest, bawdiest broads in town. I’ve tried every combo out there – rum and Jack, and whisky and Scotch, once I even tested raw egg yolk and Manishewitz (a potent and surprisingly Kosher mix.) One Thursday night I struck gold, however, and I’ve been swearing by this drink ever since. Literally. I’ve actually started replacing my cusses with “Bullwhip” – that’s the name of this drink” – because it packs such a ridiculous punch. Hell, it’s so manly it might even bloody your nose on the first taste!

Bullwhip - Image Source WikiMedia

Image Source WikiMedia

 

 

Death's Door White Whisky - Source: Death's Door Spirits

Image Source: Death's Door Spirits

Here’s what’s in it: fill a large shot glass (that’s a 4-5oz pour gents!) three-quarters full of Death's Door White Whisky – hand’s down the manliest whiskey ever to be bottled -- then dump in three (or more) shakes of of A.1 Steak Sauce. Wait now, it’s not quite done yet; the Bullwhip isn’t complete until you throw in a pinch of fresh oregano. Don’t ask why. But just like Colonel Sanders’ chicken, the herbs and spices make all the difference. Now drop that bad boy into a pint glass filled half-way with your preferred ale, lager, pilsner or stout (my personal pairing is a nice pale Mexican cerveza) and swig it down. Bam! You bleedin’ yet?

This drink delivers the goods, a concoction that puts testosterone to shame. Manly? You bet. A tonic like this shows you’ve taken off your water-wings and are ready to take that plunge into the deep-end. I just hope you can swim.

Anyway, I can’t be wasting my night laying down knowledge on kids like you when my line’s already in the water and the fish are starting to nibble. And check out the gills on that one – time to paddle on over there. Just remember  – it doesn’t get any manlier than the Bullwhip.

So take a step back and try not to stare – it’s not every day at the bar you get to see a professional like me working with cups like those, and no, I’m no longer referring to your drink.

Tastefully crafted by Dr. Mr. ManCandy on  May 15th, 2012

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