Cougars are the New Foxes

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Tastefully crafted by Miss Beehaven on  May 22nd, 2012

I declare today (and every day) National Cougars Day! On this day, all women can welcome any man she wants into her boudoir, and let’s just say there won’t be anyone at the door checking IDs. I define “cougar” as a hot and sexy woman with out of this world animal magnetism, which naturally attracts the hottest young things around. In fact, I’m so inspired, I told my girls to wear nothing but animal prints from head to toe! Side note: apparently most of them own only animal print bras, panties, and stilettos. Needless to say, they made quite a scene in the club the other night, but bless them for finally doing what they’re told!

As the most fabulous woman in the world I refuse to be limited by that dirty word: A-G-E. Honey, I am like a piece of art…I get more valuable as I age.  Like I always say, the only thing to fear is gravity. To prove my point, I can honestly tell you that a few of my girls have been of legal age since Marc Jacobs was showing his “Grunge” collection, but honey they still have fabulous cans and they definitely prove the point: it doesn’t matter how old you are, it only matters how old you look. Now get out your comfortable heels because, girls and boys, you will be marching in the annual National Cougars Day parade with me.

The inspiration behind my new found love for all things young and fresh is Mother Nature, the original cougar herself. After all, she saw fit to give us girls long, sexy lives and the boys…shall we say…expire…long before we do! It’s obvious that women are goddesses – after all, look at my gorgeous Boobzie girls for an up close and personal example of the powers that Mother Nature bestowed on womankind. There isn’t a man alive who can withstand my Jane when she gets him in her missile-lock. Isn’t it obvious? Mother Nature is an honorary Boobzie girl!

Of course, as the most fabulous woman in the world, I’ve been chased by my fair share of pups and I’ve even let a few of them catch me. You know I don’t kiss and tell, but thank god TMZ does! If you haven’t been living under a rock these last few years—and if you have, we simply must chat! – you know that I played doctor with more than a few famous hotties. While I won’t name names – you have Google for that – let’s just say that My So Called SEX Life took exactly 30 Seconds (and we didn’t land on Mars)! And who could forget all the Glee that I felt (up) during High School Musical. You’re getting the picture. I am woman. Hear me purr.

It’s a whole different story to sit back and watch my girls try and navigate the tricky waters of interspecies dating. It’s a well known fact that I’ve never been fond of children—if toys and bottles are being purchased, they’re going to be purchased for me – but I honestly feel like a mother to my luscious Boobzie girls. Take Jane and Mrs. Robinson for instance. The only flaw those two beauties possess is their complete inability to share. 

At a recent college mixer, which we attended so I could scout some new Boobzie Girls – I have a vision of doing a photo shoot with an all-girls chess club, but it’s so hard to find chess players with pieces large enough to play on my team – my two cougars met a group of eager young pups and immediately began tormenting them. Of course, my girls wanted all the boys for themselves and didn’t find it sporting when the girlfriends attempted to claim their boys. I preach an “all’s fair in love and war” mantra to my girls, so I wasn’t surprised to see the situation escalate out of control. It was all I could do to persuade the first-string quarterback hanging on my every word to tear himself away from me and go break-up the out-of-control crowd.

The moral of this story? Momma got herself a new pair of shoes that day.

Sorry. No. That is not the moral of the story, that’s just the good news. The moral of the story is that sharing is not limited to the sandbox. And of course it’s important to treat even less endowed girls with the same courtesy you expect and blah, blah, blah. The truth is that my girls didn’t get where they are today by being shy and accommodating. A true cougar is a wild animal and a real man is drawn to that, no matter what age he is. I say, don’t even try to stop him. Let’s make today and every day National Cougar Day. Your son will thank you.

Tastefully crafted by Miss Beehaven on  May 22nd, 2012

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